Journal
Monday, December 26, 2005
>"Muted Joy"
Words appearing before aquamarine eyes,
Inner warmth awakened.
Coldened heart was melted,
returning to its liquidfied state.
Tune rings by the ears,
Emotions being mixed up.
Weak and deplorable,
Just takes the shape of you.
-uncomplete-
can someone complete the 2nd and 4th stanzas?
Thursday, December 22, 2005
>When everyone cared
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you’d be mine
But here we are, we’re here tonight
Singing Amen, I’m alive
Singing Amen, I’m alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
And I’m singing
Amen I, I’m alive
Amen I, I’m alive
And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We’ll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along
Singing Amen I’m alive
Singing Amen I’m alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
We’d see the day, we’d see the day
When nobody died
We’d see the day, we’d see the day
When nobody died
We’d see the day when nobody died
This would never happen on selfish mankinds.
Monday, December 19, 2005
>Sry tt dis post came a lil late, but well, better late than never=)
O well, A big bow of gratitude to all voters, non-voters and of cux, audience.
But sadly to say, there are always winners and losers in a comp and dis film didnt manage to clinch tt award.
and now, to all finalist, all of you are winners as i said, u are the finalist=)
but i will still leave dis video quite awhile for all to appreciate.
A big thank you.
Friday, December 16, 2005
>why do we close our eyes when we sleep? when we cry? when we imagine? when we kiss?
it's because the most beautiful things in this world are unseen by our eyes...but felt in our hearts.
(complimentary from honz and frenx)
When do i have tt courage which could end the world? - illusionist
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
>Dream of Mirrors
im lost in it - illusionist.
Have you ever felt the future is the past, but you don’t know how...?
A reflected dream of a captured time, is it really now, is it really happening?
Don’t know why I feel this way, have I dreamt this time, this place?
Something vivid comes again into my mind
And I think I’ve seen your face, seen this room, been in this place
Something vivid comes again into my mind
All my hopes and expectations, looking for an explanation
Have I found my destination?
I just can’t take no more
The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true
Think I’ve heard your voice before,
think I’ve said these words before
Something makes me feel I just might lose my mind
Am I still inside my dream? is this a new reality
Something makes me feel that I have lost my mind
All my hopes and expectations, looking for an explanation
Coming to the realization that I can’t see for sure
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I’m alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I’m alive
I only dream in black and white, please save me from myself
The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true
I get up put on the light, dreading the oncoming night
Scared to fall asleep and dream the dream again
Nothing that I contemplate, nothing that I can compare
To letting loose the demons deep inside my head
Dread to think what might be stirring, that my dream is reoccurring
Got to keep away from drifting, saving me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I’m alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I’m alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
Lost in a dream of mirrors, lost in a paradox
Lost and time is spinning, lost a nightmare I retrace
Lost a hell that I revisit, lost another time and place
Lost a parallel existence, lost a nightmare I retrace
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I’m alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I’m alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I’m alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
I only dream in black and white, I only dream cause I’m alive
I only dream in black and white, to save me from myself
The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
>For all those whom had voted, a big thank you!
AND dun forget to ask ur FRENX TO VOTE TOO!!!
Pls take a look at the video below which last around 14mins.
After enjoying the show, this might take you 1min
I hope that you could log on to http://www.canon.com.sg/dvfest/,
click audience choice
than click parting gift on the 2nd row and VOTE!
and now, heres a story for all, feel free to read :)
This is a wonderful and touching story of a Shanghai couple. It can happento any of us. Moral of the story...let's not be blinded by that moment ofanger...there is no shame to seek forgiveness and to give forgiveness. Its worth your time to read the story till the end. Enjoy...
>>This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD,edited by LSX,translated by SaFe).
>>Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footstepsto our family.
Our original intention of having Mother enjoy some quiet andpeaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong asdestiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became toolate.
>Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of askingMother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years withus. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.
>>Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide forhim, see him through to a university degree. You could say that shesuffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman tobring hubby to where he is today.
>>I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has abalcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant somegreenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me upand started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down,hesaid: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love torest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at anymoment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument andboth refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his headcontinuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to thiskind of panic-joy feeling.>Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, shecould not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young peoplespend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat theflowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled:"Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it.">>Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and shewould shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come homewith lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the frictionto our otherwise happy lifestyle.>Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At thebreakfast table, mother's facial expression is always like the dark cloudsbefore a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use herchopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am adance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from a long day ofdancing around, I did not wish to give up the luxury of that additional fewminutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all theprotest mother made.
>>From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sells them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she wouldscrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
>One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and"Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
>>Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speakto me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried actingcute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I dowrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once?We couldn't possibly die from eating from a bowl however unclean it is,right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did notspeak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hangingin the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemmaas to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to preparebreakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfastwithout any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubbyhappily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me forhaving failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassingbreakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way towork.
>That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD,is itbecause you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose notto eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tearsas feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed:"LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choicebut to return to the breakfast table.
>>The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt asudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up mythroat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threwdown the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudlyin her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at mewith fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out ofit, I really didn't mean it. We had our very first big fight that day;mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of thehouse. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down thestairs.>For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was sofurious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting upwith her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having thefeeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled withall the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life.Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go and see adoctor."
>>The doctor confirmed that I was pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through thatotherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby and mother who had been through thisbefore, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? Atthe hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only beenthree days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but onelook at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him.He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he didn'tknow me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through myheart.>I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hailed a cab. At thatmoment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling,I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round incircles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, mytears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand thetest of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, andthe disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.>That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on thelights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removingthe money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank depositbook and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave mefor good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. Igave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.>The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have agood talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me aweird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by thetime I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look atme, his face was expressionless.>>I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control thetears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral,hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgustedstare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident fromother people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazedtoward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house backin the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and asshe tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
>I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown upthat morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am indirectlythe killer of his mother.
>>Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strongliquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we aregoing to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. Ihad rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
>Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubbycame home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we wereliving together like strangers who did not know each other. I am like thedead knot in his heart.
>>One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window,I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightlybrushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering fromthat moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubbyand stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say tohim, and there is no need to say anything.
>The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challengingme. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at thebrink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
>That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home fromwork, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned totake some of his stuff.
>I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything tohim vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heartbreaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wifethrough the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me toconsider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted onhaving this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
>One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The wholehouse was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it.
>In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to findpeace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait awhile, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes,just likemine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry,you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears comeout from there.
>After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. Ismiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull the paper towards me.Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.>"LD, you are pregnant?"
>Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I couldnot control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said:"Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat,facing each other.>Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart,everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could neverreach them.
>I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I hadoriginally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In thewestern restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other'sheart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
>I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now,what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than thethought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, Iam totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, Idon't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From themoment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished frommy heart.
>Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in,I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in Mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds ofgroaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what iswrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that lasttime; I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, whatis there between us?
>Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby wasborn. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infantproducts, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bagsof it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to usethis to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.
>He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typingaway on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.>It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one latenight, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting forthis moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holdingmy hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout thejourney to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me andhurried into the delivery suite.
>Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed mymind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held thedelivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes caused me tomanaged a smile at him despite my contraction pain.>Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his eyestear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
>Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. Icried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyesof his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but thetruth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at thatmoment.
>Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it wasalready in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last thislong. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his roomand checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
>Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrotefor our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take alook at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in yourlife, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be.
>But daddy now no longer have that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during yourlifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy'ssuggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is veryhappy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves youmost and also the one who loves me most..."
>From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work andeven in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small waswritten there.>Hubby had also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive mefor not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyfulmood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it meansthat you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, couldyou help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what togive when are all written on the packaging..."
>Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son overand place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...
>The end...you can wipe that tear from your eyes... =)
don't worry, i don't think you are the only one who had that..and now..next..to this weird thing i am supposed to do..given by BJ to the next 5 victims, really sorry about it.post five weird or random facts about yourself.
at the end,write the names of five ppl whom you want to do this quiz, then tag in their blog to leave them a note to tell them to see your blog.
1>Minimal accesorise
2>I guess im not a hardcore gamer.. a casual one i tink shld fits the bill?
3>Electronic lover=D
4>Hopes for better litery talent! haha>.<> At least not a burden to the society? :)
Now to the next five victims, good luck to you all!! hahaa
Though its stated as 5, but i wld like it to be 1.. haha=D
AND ITS THE ONE N ONLI HONZ(solasura)! =p
Monday, December 05, 2005
>--!IMPORTANT NOTICE!--
Pls take a look at the video below which last around 14mins.
After enjoying the show, this might take you 1min
I hope that you could log on to http://www.canon.com.sg/dvfest/
than click audience choice
than click parting gift on the 2nd row and VOTE!
