Journal
Friday, May 29, 2009 >the days are coming to an end real soon, the place where one dreaded most may be the place that i will miss soon. this is weird but true. just like schooling i guess. and one happy thng today is tt i got full 25pts for ippt td! heh. broke my pull up pb, 15 now=D. took quite a long time to reach there though-.-" and as for running.. the knee hasnt recovered and still 8.45. though not happy but still satisfied. considering the lack of rest and the trng the night b4. im sure if u give me 2 day of rest, i will do a better run! haha.
the heart is still not beating and something interesting here..
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. ~ Woody Allen~
It’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all
Sunday, May 17, 2009 >just came back from field.. its quite ok! enjoyed going through all the shit together.. though tough at times but nonetheless, we made it! soon.. it will be over! i guess i will miss it..
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tak is still feeling that he is missing something and.. and.. he is at a lost for not knowing what to do now. sigh. but there were no regrets for taking that path last time because of all the sweet memories. you have to pay a price for everything i guess.. and this price is increasing day by day. just like credit card debts, it just keeps snowballing. it has to stop!
thank you all my friends for trying to revive the dead heart, it needs time before it can beat again. thank you thank you thank you.
Sunday, May 10, 2009 >a day of old memories... happy and heartaching ones.
went for a little pool game with david and jiayi, den went to sculpture square and see how the flea market was going on! a shop opened by clar,man,marie and penelope(guess this is the right way to spell it?). saw some other guys as well and as army guys come together.. its just all about NS things. wonder why. later, went on to city hall and met up with the odacers, had dinner and a little chilling out at esplanade.. esplanade..
so many things today reminded tak of his past... lying on a grasspatch along the horizon, all by himself. everything seem to be haunting him again as he passes by the familiar names... crabtree and evelyn, the soup spoon, esplanade... the heart feels as though it is being squeezed by someone's hand mercilessly and all tak can do is to endure through the pain until the executer lets go of it.. but.. who exactly is the executer? he himself? and does she feel this way? probably not and living much better than before..
Sunday, May 03, 2009 >sitting underneath the pale blue sky, with nothing but nothingness keeping takizawa company, devoid from all distractions.. he wondered.
the 56days was indeed short, but bittersweet. so many beautiful memories that became doubts, was he indeed just like a tourist destination where after all the fun, you just return to your home country, even without battling an eyelid and looking back as you board the plane.
tak have firmly believed in always giving the best for the other one but everything still toppled. is this the wrong way? that humans will only like something that they cant seem to get?
must this world turn out like that, playing mind games with each other all the time..
can all of us just be truthful and make this world a much better place...
still, sitting beneath the pale blue sky with nothing to reach for.. powerless, helpless, useless..
tak needs to ignite that fire again..
>still feeling the emptiness wen i woke up this morning, the empty house with an empty heart. guess more time is needed to overcome this...
and a few questions still bother me.. but i do not want to even pursue the answer anymore.. it has been too tiring already because everything just keeps changing.
why will things turn out like that? what did takizawa actually do wrong?
takizawa is now all alone in the desert, left alone in the cold with nerve biting frost bites as the cold wind blows. the amount of ache and suffering could never be understood unless you go through it yourself. even when the sun comes, all he gets will be immense heat and you cant distinguish between tears and perspiration anymore.. whichever part of the day it is, there will only be pain and suffering.. but in all, physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional ones..
a song to describe what i feel: 断点 - 张敬轩 listen here
静静的陪你走了好远好远 连眼睛红了都没有发现 听着你说你现在的改变 看着我依然最爱你的笑脸 这条旧路依然没有改变 以往的每次路过都是晴天 想起我们有过的从前 泪水就一点一点开始蔓延 我转过我的脸不让你看见 深藏的暗涌已经越来越明显 过完了今天就不要再见面 我害怕每天醒来想你好几遍 我吻过你的脸 你双手曾在我的双肩 感觉有那么甜我那么依恋 每当我闭上眼 我总是可以看见失信的诺言全部都会实现 我吻过你的脸 虽然你不在我的身边 我还是祝福你过的好一点 断开的感情线 我不要做断点 只想在睡前在听见你的蜜语甜言
Saturday, May 02, 2009 >met up with a couple of old friends today! and as usual.. many, and i mean lik almost all were late?! haha. well, martin,mandy,marie,michelle,jiayi,clarisse and david was there! it was a good time catching up and how guys will always talk about their army stories.
went to iluma.. ate lunch.. and arcade time! hoho. after that, back to bugis junction and more arcade! heh. v.fun ar XD.
and that in later afternn had some changes in plans, but well, not having that initial plan may be a good thing after all. its time to put a fullstop.
got an mp3 td from simlim too! samsung P3. made mandy and jiayi walked with me quite abit though.. haha. thanks alot for ur time! i really appreciate it! hoho.
booking in tml 1900.. goodbye!
>much as takizawa want to let go and forget.. whenever he think of the few things, his heart uncontrollably aches. just like when he takes lrt and passes by bukit panjang lrt, red hill mrt, or walking down far east all brings backs sweet but painful memories.. when can he ever get through this stage..
>this couple of days seem to be the lowest in my entire 18+ yrs, finally, im getting back onto my feet but the wound does still hurt at times... and time will heal all wounds, but scars will always be there.
it seems like i will still take quite some before a new takizawa can be born and now all focus is on his NS chapter. The other special chapter has come to an end and I believe a new special chapter will not be here so easily again..
because because because... trusting is so difficult once again..
Voices
Quotes
"if someone loves you,
love them back not only because they love you,
but also because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes
to things you have never seen or felt without them."
(ripped from solasura-honz)
As you envelope my mind,
thoughts are all about you.
I hope that you could walk into the ghost of me.
My heart have been delievered to your doorstep, do you accept this mail?
Could you pull out some time for me
and give both of us a chance to be together.
Waiting isn't a problem,
losing you would be the biggest trauma I would get.
May this day where our hearts bond together come soon.
Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal.
A recollection of poetry
"Twilight funeral"
Blackened and cold is the dusk
A veil where the shadows watch
Behind the dim requiems of light
When blindness envelopes our eyes
Silent and unholy is the dusk
A hole where the demons smirk
Beyond the clutters of human life
When deafness embraces our ears
Sable nothingness is the dusk
A shroud where the ravens flock
Tainting the purity of white clouds
When darkness devours our hearts
Inevitable death is the dusk
A cloak where the daggers hide
Under the facade of tranquility
When mortality is but a quip
- Solasura
"Muted Joy"
Words appearing before aquamarine eyes,
Inner warmth awakened.
Coldened heart was melted,
returning to its liquidfied state.
Hopes of rain fallen,
sheltered by feelings.
Flooded everywhere,
but not a single drop here.
Tune rings by the ears,
Emotions being mixed up.
Weak and deplorable,
Just takes the shape of you.
Ensnared by you,
Unintentionally or intentionally,
unable to be freed,
till Reaper's Scythe appears.
Which will appear first, rain or scythe?
"Solitude"
Time flies when words strung out,
numbing the bitter nerve.
Defrostation took place,
Everything seem to be in summer,
From the frosted white fingers,
darkness in the heart,
you brought warmth and light.
Turning upon an unretaliatable liquid.
Just as words strung out once again,
froze all happiness in me.
Bitterness awakened,
Negligible autumn, forver winterness.
Eclipse seems to take place forever.
Light and warmth never took place,
Darkness and chill,
mutated the mind into an unfeeling solid.
When solitude occurs, does anyone bothers?
- Takizawa
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